The Coming of Shrek

Once upon a time, there was a dark and dismal swamp. In the midst of this darkness was a creature called Shrek, who lived in a wooden hut by himself. He didn’t have many friends because he’s kind of an ogre, and nobody likes ogres. If you ask Shrek, “Can I borrow your shovel?” he will say, “What do you want to use it for? Digging your own grave?” which makes people uncomfortable around him, so they try not to be around him, which is understandable. Late one night, he had been wondering what things would have been like if there were other ogres around so he could feel less lonely. Just then, some bright shooting star fell down in front of his house! After brushing off the dirt himself, Shrek opened up but found out, to his surprise, that it wasn’t any old star. It asked him, “Is there anybody else here besides you?” — a very cute voice too! “No... just me alone here! Who are you anyway, kid? You look like some sorta alien! Don’t tell me you came from outer space — don’t lie to me, or I might squish ya real good! What scam do you have for poor ol’ me today, kid?! You hear me?! OK OK OK calm down guy sorry! What name do yah got for yerself?!” Responds Shrek, “But... my name is Jesus.” “Jesus? As in Jesus Christ? Who’s that? Never heard of him kid don’t think much of that name — sounds like some kinda made-up name fruity soap opera character for sure!” “But... but... I... I am Jesus Christ! The prophet Elijah had told me to come here and find you since you have been a long time ago prophesied by God himself to be the second coming of me! You must help these workers from the pharaoh who has been oppressing them so they may come out of Egypt and serve God as free men once again.” Shrek was pretty shaken up. To have an alien visit him at this time, especially saying something about “prophecy” and “second coming of Jesus Christ” seemed more overwhelming than anything he has heard before! “Sure, kid... I’ll believe it.” So what happened next?...